“Being from a South-Asian community, our families never discussed topics like this”
I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and most recently, anxiety. For the past 38 years, I lived my life masking my darkest times thinking this was just a “phase” and I would snap out of it. Growing up with immigrant parents trying to make a better life for my sister and I, was not a childhood I dreamt of. Most of my early childhood days, I remember feeling sad, helpless, and lonely and wished I could run as far away as possible. I never understood why I felt this way and was never able to speak about this either.
Being from a South-Asian community, our families never discussed topics like this. If we were feeling a certain type of way, emotionally or physically, it was an unspoken rule to “figure it out” and move on. My father was an alcoholic, in addition to an opioid addict. Back in the early 1990’s when opioids had just hit the market, my father instantly got hooked. Now that I have an understanding of what exactly he was dealing with, he too was trying to mask his life and numb his internal pain with his substance choices. He was suffering from depression as well and never took the time to seek the proper help. Sadly, 2002 was a year that changed my life forever when he suddenly passed. My life had gotten another kickback, in addition to the years I grew up watching all this.
When my depression and anxiety got worse, my work-life balance became obsolete. Being of Indian descent, and coming from the western part of India(Gujarat), our ancestors worked as farmers, not working for them was not a norm. We have learned and watched by examples from our parents to work. Whether it was being a housewife or having a career, we were taught to always keep busy. That was the way we grew up, learning to hide our true feelings and emotions. For me, I was tired of escaping this dark world that occupied my mind. I was tired of battling the inside emotional pain I dealt with everyday. As life got harder and more demanding, the pressures of “producing”, not only at work but at home, got that much harder.
I found myself, when I hit rock bottom, being withdrawn from people, places and family including my children. I had no desire to go to any social events and was fixated on my bed. I just did not have the energy or mental capacity to be “me”. When I was going into inpatient treatment, I remember everyone making excuses for where I would be for the month. This stemmed from our cultural society- keeping everything hush-hush to protect one’s reputation. I left going with the flow because I was too exhausted and finally realized needed to take care of me. While being there, I had realized, with the help of therapists, psychiatrists and my clinical team, that what I was experiencing was not defining who I was as a person, but a chemical imbalance. With this news, I felt this huge burden of weight lift..
I knew when I was about to leave, my next step in life was exactly this- spreading as much awareness about mental health as I could and to educate and inform people about the truths of what exactly mental health means. That is exactly what I have done. I will not be silent. I am not ashamed of what I have gone through. In fact, it has strengthened my ability to want to help as many people as I can. Mental health is the leading cause of suicide and being a survivor myself, this shows how important it is to address this crisis the right away. I am not crushed, I have learned to rebuild my pieces and complete my puzzle the right way.
And while many think I am “cured” or “fixed” because, come on, people think once you receive the help you are all better! We as the people with lived experience, know there is no “cure” or “fix”. Even with medication assistance and all the therapy and coping skills I have learned, it is not a “fix”. It is a lifelong illness and this knowledge helps me manage my life better, understand my emotions and allows me to feel and process them. It is what allows me to live my life authentically. This is a lifelong battle with setbacks, but I am now better prepared to handle myself in the matter in which I need too.
