“I have found that going back to the basics is a way in which to survive anything, even COVID-19”
What can I say about 2020? In order to avoid profanity, I will use the term my 11 year-old daughter uses for anything she finds utterly annoying and just plain horrible- “ughhh”. I don’t often condone her love of grunts and weird pre-teen sounds for expressing how she is feeling, but in this case, I tend to have to agree with her. 2020 is just “ughhh”.
As a person in recovery, staying in recovery is a challenge in and of itself. When I hit rock bottom and went to a rehabilitation center in 2018 for an eating disorder and alcoholism, it was ingrained in my head the ways in which to stay sober- go to meetings, do not isolate and stay connected to others in recovery, meditate, and become involved in activities that don’t revolve around drinking. I wouldn’t say that my first year of sobriety was easy by any means, but I followed these suggestions and, sure enough, they not only helped me remain sober, but they enhanced my spiritual and emotional well-being. I became involved in various peer groups that shared my sobriety goals, I built a network with other like-minded women, and I found a love of yoga and meditation.
When COVID-19 came about, it altered life as we know it. This overwhelming fear of the unknown seemed to engulf our communities and families creating this suffocating anxiety within us all. It didn’t help that medical and political leaders were at odds with the information they were relaying about this virus nor the media’s love for tragedy and the extreme. It has affected pretty much everyone on planet earth in one way or another and it has been EXTREMELY damaging to those in recovery. When I reflect on the reasons I drank and engaged in various eating disorders, it is an outline of the effects of COVID-19- loss of control, isolation, and overwhelming anxiety and fear.
All of the reasons I used to drink, over-exercise, starve myself, and purge were magnified with COVID-19 and the places to go to combat these urges were shut down along with the rest of America. My kids were sent home from school to be homeschooled, I was isolated and I was surrounded by this omnipresent fear. All I saw when I went onto social media was how people were going to drink their way through 2020. Now don’t get me wrong, they were hilarious posts and I would have loved to participate in this kind of coping. If homeschooling isn’t enough reason to make one drink, I don’t know what is. I have one child whose homeschooling was pretty easy to manage- I mean if you consider using an electric prodder to move her pajama clad body from the television to her desk to listen to a monotone video of the Civil War, easy. My other child goes to a specialized dyslexic school. Believe me, a bottle of tequila would have made those YouTube videos, “How to do Dyslexic Math”, a hell of a lot more entertaining. The amount of chaos that was taking place in my household while homeschooling and isolating, was downright debilitating some days. At least once a week, I found myself trying to squeeze into a narrow hole in my hall closet for a good, solid cry.
Surprisingly, the lack of control and extreme isolation didn’t bring on the overwhelming cravings for alcohol that I would have thought. I think a small part of me knew that if I drank, it would take me to a place that I would have a hard time returning from. My eating disorder was a safer bet and, therefore, returned with a gusto. With the yoga studios closing (my place to unwind, meditate, and safely exercise), I found myself running again. It was easy to justify in my head- it was a way to get out into nature and to get the kids outside in a safe way. It started with running outside and like with any addiction, soon escalated to running on the treadmill in my garage and counting calories. The need for control in an uncontrollable situation kept me running an unhealthy amount and eating less with every day that passed.
Something that struck me the most during 2020, is how easy it would be and is to justify giving in to addictions. I understand how and why so many people relapsed during this time and let active addiction reign. Just taking a look at my story, it is easy to see why I turned to my eating disorder and why it was so easy to justify. I am a widow homeschooling two children with learning disabilities and ADHD, the stress of getting needed supplies without taking my children into a virus ridden atmosphere, not being able to earn an income because I am a single mother homeschooling her kids, having to find childcare when I got COVID and had to isolate, etc. It was even easy to justify the treadmill at some point- my children refused to ride their bicycles while I ran anymore and even threatened to burn them in a backyard bonfire if I tried. The list goes on and on. The justifications were easy to come by and were true. It was difficult to move away from the justifications and move toward the big picture- playing the movie forward. Remembering that this situation is temporary, but the damage I was inflicting on my body could be permanent. In order to move toward this realization, I needed help.
It took some time for the peer groups to go to online meetings, but when they did, I knew it was imperative to get involved as quickly as possible as to minimize the backward trend. At first, it was difficult. The whole point of these meetings is to combat isolation with connection. Once you have become accustomed to in-person meetings, there is an adjustment period to get used to online meetings. However, I stuck with it and made it a part of my weekly routine. In fact, with the given situation, more meetings were created by different people within my recovery network. Some were based on recovery and others went in a different direction focusing on self-care and mental health.
These new groups gave me an outlet to discuss my fears and anxiety and also created a sense of connection needed during this period of isolation. It allowed me to reserve an hour of the day to just focus on my mental health so I could conquer the homeschooling, the isolation, and the chaos of the world. I wouldn’t say it stopped my eating disorder in its tracks, but it did slow it down tremendously and helped me refocus on healthy coping skills.
I have found that going back to the basics is a way in which to survive anything, even COVID-19. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” It has never hit home as much as it has this year.
I have gone back to the basic principle of acceptance. The freedom in doing this has allowed me to not only survive this time, but it has taught me how to adapt in the toughest and most negative of environments. Gratitude is also a principle that has made this time a bit easier. I am grateful to have an empowering women’s network (with great friends) and to have a recovery network that is always available when I need a supportive ear or for some much needed advice. I couldn’t have made it to my 2 year sobriety birthday without them. I am also grateful that my children are healthy and have shown me their inner ability to adapt to any situation. The beauty of humanity and human connection has never been more apparent.
I chose to look for the good in 2020- it is a choice after all.
After saying this, do know, I will be displaying the most enormous firework show come 12:00 PM, January 2021! With the skills we learned to survive 2020, 2021 is looking downright promising. Cheers to a new year!
My name is Kristy and I am UNCrushed.
