“The misinformation on grief is overwhelming”
If you had asked me five years ago when I experienced my first major loss, I would have said unequivocally that it was Saturday, September 4th, 2010, the day my mother died. On Friday evening, as I concluded my first week of college, she called me, and I ignored it because I was out drinking with friends. Shortly after, I sent her a text to ease my conscience, lying that my phone was going to die, but genuinely promising her that I would call the next morning. That following day I received the news she had died.
At the age of 18, the death of my mother completely re-shaped my world view. I was not promised that the people I loved most would be there tomorrow, and as I reflected on my relationship with her, there was so much more that I could have known, or done differently, or said more of. It also didn’t take long for me to identify numerous unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations I had envisioned for our relationship. I had expected for her to see me graduate from college, to be present when I walked down the aisle, and welcome my newborn children into this world. While I physically lost my mom on a windy day in September, it was only as time went on that I realized I had also lost a friend, a sense of security, a loving voice on the other end of the phone, a road trip companion, and so on.
It’s been almost ten years since my mom died and, in that time, I have overcome immense adversity in relation to both my grief and substance abuse. As of today, I am grateful to say that I am over four years sober and have been trained and certified as a Grief Recovery Specialist. Now being educated on grief and loss, I understand that my experience with grief started much earlier than the day my mother died, and in my profession I have had the honor of guiding my clients through their grief both in relation to death and non-death related loss.
Although grief is commonly associated with death, there are numerous types of loss, both tangible and intangible, that have nothing to do with end-of-life. The Grief Recovery Institute, where I received my training and certification, identifies over 40 different types of loss that result in the complex, emotional experience we call grief. Such losses include, but are not limited to, retirement, empty nest, financial changes, major health complications, divorce or break-ups, holidays, pet loss, loss of trust, loss of safety, etc.
Grief is a five-letter word that encompasses a mass of conflicting emotions, unique to the individual experiencing the loss. This conflicting emotion may look like a son’s immense relief knowing his mother with Alzheimer’s will no longer be his burden, coupled with his deep sadness and remorse regarding the fact that his mother is now dead. Grief is not orderly, it cannot be compartmentalized, and it does not come in the stages known as DABDA (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). The research of Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, where DABDA originated from, was focused solely on patients diagnosed with a terminal illness and in 2008 Scientific American debunked the stages of grief once and for all (Shermer).
Although we may operate under the assumption that grief must “look a certain way”, despite the universality of the human grieving experience, the complicated emotional and behavioral responses to loss are as varied as human personalities. Grief can look like the stereotypical depression, categorized by sleeping 12 hours a day and endless crying. However, it can also look like insomnia, workaholism, over-exercising, under-eating or overeating, promiscuity or sexual anorexia, over-spending, and so forth. Some individuals who are suffering from loss never shed a tear, and this lack of emotional display does not mean they are not grieving. In truth, everyone suffering from a loss grieves at full capacity. With all this in mind, culture may also play a role in the setting of an expectation for a more private or public expression of grief as well.
The misinformation on grief is overwhelming. Historically, from generation to generation, we have been socialized to respond to grief in a way that has made this natural, emotional response to loss one of the most misunderstood and neglected human experiences. From an early age we are taught how to acquire things – toys, awards, degrees, financial status, material items galore, friends, lovers, etc. Yet, we are never educated on how to cherish these things, let alone what to do when we lose them.
Whether we ourselves or someone we know is experiencing a significant loss, we commonly find that we feel ill-equipped to deal with the experience of grief. Many report that they “just don’t know what to say” or the entire situation makes them feel uncomfortable. More often than not, others’ grief is unintentionally minimized through comments like “Don’t feel bad, at least your father is in a better place now”, or “That girl wasn’t right for you anyways.”
As a child, you might have had the experience of your mom or dad lovingly wiping away your tears and telling you “Oh honey, don’t cry”. On the contrary, maybe you had a more domineering, authoritative figure exclaiming that they would “…really give you something to cry about if you didn’t quit your whining”. No matter where your experience may fall on this spectrum, and regardless of the intent of the caregiver, the message is the same – you should not be feeling the way you are feeling and these “negative” emotions are not socially acceptable to express.
Over time we are taught we must attempt to “fix” feelings by cheering others up. While there is nothing wrong with consoling someone, when we do so with the goal of changing an individual’s emotional state, the effects of our actions can be quite harmful to the recipient. In truth, none of us are broken, therefore none of us need “fixing”. What we need most is a safe space to feel all of our feelings, without fear of judgement or criticism.
The detrimental, cumulative effects of these messages over time teaches us that emotions like joy and happiness are safe to express, but emotions like grief and sadness are not. We end up navigating hardships in our lives by bottling-up certain emotions, causing grave negative effects on our physical, psychological, and emotional health. Due to how we have been improperly socialized to grieve, our misconception of strength is founded on a fallacy that vulnerability equates to weakness. We adopt the belief that we must grieve alone, learning to stop talking and swallow our words (and our feelings) when our eyes well up with tears and our voice begins to crack.
Having no proper tools to deal with our grief, we push on, keep busy, appear strong for others (even though we may feel like we are on the verge of crumbling), and “act as if”. Being that we have all been misinformed on how to grieve, we applaud each other’s ability to “make it through life”, reinforcing maladaptive coping skills and validating our beliefs that we are handling our responses to loss effectively. We believe that if we can just double down and trudge on for long enough, time will heal our wounds. But does time itself heal anything? If you were to break your leg today and I told you that time would heal your wound, would you believe me?
Whether it be a physical wound or an emotional wound, time alone does nothing in our favor. The only thing time does is continue, creating more distance between us and the losses we have experienced. When our objective is to heal our emotional pain, the only thing that truly matters is the action we take within that time to heal our wound.
So, how do we address our grief? There are two primary forms of intervention to address grief and loss – Grief Support Groups and Grief Recovery©. Both methods can be indispensable to the griever.
Grief Support Groups can be highly beneficial, especially in the short run, but they tend to fall short in providing lasting and meaningful effects. Being that Grief Support Groups provide an open format to process emotions, attendees can experience an immediate, temporary release of emotional energy when engaging in a group discussion. This also allows members to establish a sense of community following a loss. Despite being socialized from an early age that we should grieve alone, Grief Support Groups cultivate connection, dissolving the old idea that we must walk through loss in isolation. The camaraderie amongst members in a Grief Support Group can subsequently facilitate a sense of purpose and meaning, causing individuals to regularly attend the group for multiple years or even the remainder of their life. Equally as important, the ability to relate amongst one another can provide an incredible sense of relief, especially when new members are experiencing a specific type of loss for the first time. For example, if a widowed husband believes he heard his deceased wife in the kitchen the night prior, he might genuinely believe he is losing his mind. That is, until the support group erupts in laughter identifying with this very experience.
Grief Recovery© differs from Grief Support Groups in that it is not an open-ended format for processing feelings. By working with a Grief Recovery Specialist one-on-one or in a group, individuals are taken through a series of action-based steps that leads to long-lasting recovery from grief. While unresolved grief is commonly defined by being “stuck” on past events and being profoundly sad over each loss, Grief Recovery© allows individuals to move beyond their losses and re-engage with life in a way like never before. A new perspective on the past is unveiled and memories that were once painful are cleared away to reveal sweet, cherished moments. The ability to be present in life is restored and hope for the future, without fear of the next loss, is achieved.
Although the Grief Recovery Method© originated just over 40 years ago in West Hollywood, California, it is now international and accessible in all of North America and Central America, Australia and New Zealand, Africa, Europe, the UK, and Scandinavia. In recent years, the Grief Recovery Method© has been making its way into parts of Asia. This rapid growth stands in testament to the power of this life-changing technique.
No matter where your journey with loss takes you, know that your path does not have to be trudged alone. Remember that however your grief manifests, is exactly as it should be, and if you feel as though your inability to cope with grief means there’s something wrong with you – there isn’t. Despite grief and loss being inevitable and universal, we have been socialized to deal with grief in a maladaptive and ineffective way. Thankfully, Grief Recovery© can provide effective, rapid, affordable, and accessible tools that lead to deep and meaningful transformation and re-engagement in life.
My name is Calista and I am UNCrushed.
