“One must be open to connect”

This article is part of our #Tools2thrive content series released during mental health awareness month 2020, containing personal insights from members of the UNCrushed team. You can learn more here.

It’s possible to be surrounded by people and still feel alone. It’s the connections we make with other people that help enrich our lives and get us through tough times, but sometimes it’s hard to know how to make those connections.

Tips For connecting

1. Connect with others at places you already go to. There are places that you go to over and over again – these are great places to strike up conversations and start to make friends. At work you might ask a co-worker to join you for lunch   or to grab a cup of coffee. If you have kids involved in extracurricular activities, you probably see the same other parents attending their practices or dropping them off each time. If you go to the gym at the same time each day, you may notice others who are on the same workout schedule.

2. Use shared experience as a topic of conversation. Use your current situation as a topic to talk about. Maybe you’re stuck waiting in a long line, or you noticed someone is wearing a shirt from a place that you’ve been. Hometown sports, local news and events, or even the weather can also get a conversation going.

3. Give compliments. If you’re struggling to figure out what to say to someone to strike up a conversation, try starting with a compliment. You can comment on a person’s outfit, tattoo, or a piece of jewelry that you like and maybe ask them where they got it. Use their response to continue the conversation, for example if they tell you they got it at a certain store, ask where that is.

4. Make time to be social. Going to work and taking care of life’s other daily responsibilities is time consuming and many of us feel exhausted by the end of the day. While it’s tempting to just sit on the sofa and zone out in front of the TV, that time can be spent in a more meaningful way. Set aside at least half an hour each day to connect with other people outside of work.

5. Not all connections have to be done in person. While spending time with someone face-to-face helps to create the strongest relationships, phone calls, text messaging, emails, and video chats can maintain friendships when distance or time constraints get in the way of hanging out.

6. Accept invitations. If someone asks you to go somewhere or do something with them, accept their invitation. When you turn people down over and over, they may stop inviting you. It may not be your favorite place or activity, but you can use the time to build your friendship and suggest things you like better for the next time you get together with that person.

7. Pay attention to what other people are interested in. For instance, you may notice a family portrait or a pet’s picture on a coworker’s desk. Ask them how old their children are, or what their pet’s name is – and show genuine interest in their answers. Ask follow up questions and if appropriate, share something relevant about yourself, like how many children you have or the name of your pet.

8. Organize activities. If there is something that you are interested in doing, ask someone else (or a group of other people) to join you. It can be hard to make the first move, but it may end up that someone else wanted to do the same thing all along and was waiting to find out who else was interested. Don’t be discouraged if schedules don’t cooperate sometimes. Keep making invitations!

   The above tips and facts were created by MHA. you can download them as a printable handout as part of their free ‘tools 2 thrive’ toolkit.

olivia shoffner SHARES….

What an ironic time to be writing an opinion piece around “connecting with others”. We are at a time in our lives, even in history, where this physical action has been suspended to an extreme extent. Our current “connecting with others” includes connecting with our immediate family, in a fairly confined space, making only the essential trips out of the home for food, medical needs, gas and exercise. In my opinion, these physical restraints have caused us to make even more of an effort to truly connect with other people.

In the situation that we find ourselves currently in, with physical interactions limited, even more effort is made to connect with co-workers, friends, family, etc. as you’re setting aside time in your day to do this. You are making a point of picking up the phone, connecting via the computer, sending a card in the mail or even joining support groups that offer virtual opportunities to connect. You are looking outside of what has been the “normal” and finding alternatives that will get you through this difficult time. 

One must be open to connect. This doesn’t mean that every connection you make or seek will be your new best friend, but you must at least have a genuine interest in another person. This person usually brings some sort of value to your life and is someone you choose to associate yourself with. Whether it’s striking up a conversation at work, chatting with a fellow customer in a grocery store line, enjoying a glass of wine with a group of women, or forming a book club– all take a certain level of openness and interest on the part of the connector.  

Some would argue that human connection– the connections and the relationships we form in our lives– is what we are wired for. Humans are hardwired to connect. So, while this is something you can actively do every day in your life if you choose to, the basic need and internal drive probably exists on a much larger level. For me, forming a connection with someone else gives me a feeling of comfort and ease, especially if the connection involves actually being able to help someone. Forming a mutual bond contributes to another source of inspiration, support and shared human experiences.

There have been times in my life where I have lost interest in connecting with other people and forming bonds with others. For me, this is a very lonely place. While I enjoy some of the characteristics of an introvert, I believe that the stronger part of me is indeed extroverted. I thrive from both in different ways. I believe that the introverted part of me contributes to the thought, care and sometimes even the strategy in forming a connection. The extroverted part of me then takes on the action to make it happen.

As I have gotten older, I take the time to not only connect professionally, as it is my job, but to also notice the opportunities for connections in my personal life. Even down to getting on the floor and playing cars with my son. Getting down on his level, meeting him eye to eye and showing interest in some of his favorite toys goes a long way in the course of a day. During the course of this quarantine, I’ve noticed many connections that are happening more consistently than they would without a quarantine- my best friends from high school and I share daily texts.  I have joined a network of women that are helping to support each other during this time. I participate in live streamed yoga and meditation classes so that I can hear the voice of my teachers. I’ve even found a way to be more open to the connections offered in nature by listening to the undisturbed chirping of birds or the wind blowing, reminding us that we are part of a much larger, universal connection.  

Connecting with others is indeed a way to contribute to a better state of mental health. The more relationships you have in your arsenal (again, these are chosen, not mandated), the more human context you have to pull from to add to your own context. This can be helpful on the best day of your life, the worst day of your life and every day in between. Adding to one’s human experience by sharing connections with others is a gift we have only for a short time while we are living. Some of these are ahead of you, some of them are behind you and some of them are still with you. All of them, in some way, have contributed to who you are as a human being and to how you want to continue to shape your life. 

Olivia Shoffner,

Peachtree Corners, GA, USA

‘Fast Facts’ Sources

1. Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296

2. US Dept. of Labor. (2018). American time use survey. Retrieved from http://bls.gov/tus

3. Carmichael, C. L., Reis, H. T., Duberstein, P. R. (2015). In your 20s it’s quantity, in your 30s it’s quality: The prognostic value of social activity across 30 years of adulthood. Psychology and Aging, 30, 95–105