“Active listening, to me, means being involved in the conversation. It’s being present for the other person and engaging with them”

This article is part of our #Tools2thrive content series released during mental health awareness month 2020, containing personal insights from members of the UNCrushed team. You can learn more here.

While 1 in 5 people will experience a diagnosable mental health condition in their lives, 5 out of 5 people will go through a challenging time that affects their mental health. There are simple things that every person can say or do to help the people in their life who are struggling to get through the tough times.

Tips For success

1. Practice active listening. Active listening is different than just hearing what a person has to say. A good active listener puts everything aside and gives their complete attention to the person who is talking; asks open-ended questions to get more details about the topic that is being discussed (ex. “And how did that make you feel?”); and takes moments throughout the conversation to summarize what they’ve been told and make sure they are understanding clearly.

2. Don’t compare. If a friend or loved-one is going through a tough situation and they come to you for support, you might feel tempted to tell them about something that happened to you and how you were able to get through it. It’s okay to share about similar experiences, but be careful not to compare because it can make someone feel like their pain isn’t valid. For instance, if they are telling you about a breakup, don’t mention how you had a much harder divorce. Focus on what you did to cope with feelings of loss or loneliness.

3. Ask what you can do. It can be tempting to assume what would be helpful to someone who is struggling, but it’s always better to ask them what they need from you. If you ask and get a response like, “nothing, I’m fine,” offer up a few suggestions for things you would be willing to do (without being pushy). For instance, you could offer to come sit with them and watch a movie, cook them a meal, or pick up a few things for them at the store.

4. Keep your word. If you have offered your support to someone and told them you would do something, keep your word. When a person is struggling, the last thing they need is to feel abandoned by someone else. If you absolutely can’t honor your promise, make a sincere apology and find another time that you can do what you said you would.

5. Don’t judge. To be truly supportive of someone, you need to put your personal opinions and biases aside. They may be struggling because of a mistake that they made, or you may think that they are overreacting, but you will never know what it is truly like to be that person in this moment, and criticism is not helpful to their recovery.

6. Offer to join them. When someone is going through a time of sadness or uncertainty, their emotions can take over and leave them feeling paralyzed and unable to take care of life’s obligations. Offering to go with someone to help them take care of responsibilities like walking the dog, going to the grocery store, attending doctor appointments, or picking up the dry cleaning can help them feel a sense of accomplishment and lift their spirits.

7. Know when more serious help is needed. Sometimes the support that you can offer won’t be enough. If you notice that your friend or loved-one continues to struggle after weeks or months, they may be showing signs of a mental health condition and likely need professional help. Don’t be afraid to encourage them to seek help from a mental health professional and offer to help them find a provider if needed. If someone you care about is in immediate danger of taking suicidal action, seek help by calling 911 or going to the closest emergency room. Trained crisis counselors are available 24/7 by texting “MHA” to 741-741 or calling 1-800-273-TALK(8255).

The above tips and facts were created by MHA. you can download them as a printable handout as part of their free ‘tools 2 thrive’ toolkit.

olivia shoffner shares….

Supporting Others is something that in some ways, I learned early, but in other ways, I learned way later what it means to really support someone. The word itself can be used as a verb or a noun but I will write about it here as the verb “bears all or part of the weight up; holds up”. Given my history and the childhood trauma I endured of losing a parent, I felt early on the weight of being the oldest child. Although, I would not say I supported my Mom and sisters.

After losing my Dad, I lost two other parental figures that I was close to during my teen (high school) and early adult years (college). You could say that I was supportive to my friends – I was there to physically walk through the visitations, the tears, the funerals and the loss. However, I don’t know that I was able to really emotionally support my friends at that time being so young in my own life. We lost a classmate in high school due to a tragic accident and I remember being able to support my friend – she was dating the guy who was driving the Jeep that our classmate was ejected from. It was awful. But, again, outside of sharing tears and hugs and comfort – I’m not sure I emotionally supported my friend.

Two of the tips of supporting others are to keep your word and offer to join them – something I feel like at this point in my life, I have almost mastered. Active listening, asking what I can do and not judging the situation are all tips that I still have to practice and really engage in. It’s hard to set aside your own fears, feelings, questions, etc. and place total attention on the person who needs the support. 

Active listening, to me, means being involved in the conversation. It’s being present for the other person and engaging with them when they seem ready and when it seems appropriate. It’s so much more genuine than allowing your eyes to glaze over during the conversation and begin thinking about what you would like for dinner that evening. The occasional check in during a conversation in which you are attempting to be supportive doesn’t go a long way.

When another person is suffering, or needs some type of support, I think it may be a natural human feeling to have a fear of the same happening to you. A friend has an affair and needs your support – what if that could be you? Your co-worker is diagnosed with cancer – what if that could be you? Your sister has just lost her job – what if that could be you? Being able to put your own fears aside and truly be open to another person is sometimes very difficult. Recognizing these fears and staying in the present situation can help you navigate through them and truly help the person that has come to you for support. 

Along with recognizing your fears that may align with the person in need, there is the act of non-judgement that needs to take place from the supporter as well. Support can sometimes be needed in very difficult situations – situations that you may not agree with – and you’re still being called on. To me, one of the best ways to avoid judgement is to ask what you can do for the person. I think there are very few people that would tell you exactly what you could do in a supportive situation. They may not know themselves. So, be ready with suggestions.

Sometimes, there is only so much you can do to support someone. It can be a difficult thing to do to suggest more intensive help to someone already in pain. But, if you can get past the initial hesitance, you could be providing a wealth of information to someone truly in need. There are so many resources available to help those that need support past what friends and family can provide them. The person that needs the support may be afraid to ask or may hesitate to look at these avenues on their own. If you can be there to walk through this with someone it could end up saving their life.

There is one more word that comes to mind for me when I think of support and that is compassion. Compassion for your fellow man. If you can come from a place of true compassion and even love when supporting a person, a lot of these other things just fall into place. For me, it takes practice to come from a place of compassion and be able to emotionally support someone. But, the more you do it, the easier it becomes and you find that supporting others also enriches your own life.  

OLIVIA SHOFFNER,

PEACHTREE CORNERS, GA, USA

‘Fast Facts’ Sources

1. Ozbay, F., Johnson, D. C., Dimoulas, E., Morgan III, C. A., Charney, D., & Southwick, S. (2007). Social support and resilience to stress: from neurobiology to clinical practice. Psychiatry (Edgmont). 4(5),35.

2. Inagaki, T. K., Bryne Haltom, K. E., Suzuki, S., Jevtic, I., Hornstein, E., Bower, J. E., & Eisenberger, N. I. (2016). The Neurobiology of Giving Versus Receiving Support: The Role of Stress-Related and Social Reward-Related Neural Activity. Psychosomatic medicine, 78(4), 443–453. https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0000000000000302

3. The Trevor Project. (2019). National Survey on LGBTQ Mental Health. New York, New York: The Trevor Project.