“Over time, I’ve learned to accept myself for who I am, no matter what I look like”
On my first day of kindergarten I knew something was off. I cried the whole night before school and didn’t sleep at all. Shortly after, I was put on medications. Unfortunately, they didn’t make much of a difference. I did well academically throughout grade school, but I was bottling my emotions. I was afraid of what people would think if I opened up about the voices in my head. I vividly remember intentionally throwing up before school in an effort to avoid having to go. I struggled to connect with the other students because I was having issues developing my interpersonal skills. When I turned 12 things took a turn for the worst.
At the age of 12, I switched from public school to private. The transition was difficult for me. The curriculum was challenging and I still wasn’t fitting in. As the school year progressed, I began to have sleeping issues and I was having grandiose ideas. Although I was doing well academically, emotionally I was a mess. I knew something was wrong, but I felt uncomfortable sharing what I was feeling. By the end of the school year, my attempt to bottle my emotions caught up with me and I was hospitalized for the first time.
High school presented a new set of challenges. When I was 14, my freshman math teacher told me I would never get into college because I was so far behind. This event has stuck with me my whole life. I used his words as motivation. It took some time, but I was eventually able to earn my bachelor’s degree. When I was 15 I started skateboarding. Without skateboarding, I would have been lost. Throughout high school, I struggled academically. I lost track of the amount of times I switched medications. When I was 17, my doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder.
For years I have struggled with an eating disorder as a way to cope with my mental health. When I graduated high school, I weighed well over 300 lbs. By the time I turned 24, I weighed around 140 lbs. For a long time, I refused to eat food if it wasn’t weighed out on a scale. When I was running, being skinny was all I cared about. I would restrict the amount of food I ate even when I was training for marathons. As a result of a medication change, I gained a lot of weight back. When I gained weight, I became incredibly depressed. Over time, I’ve learned to accept myself for who I am, no matter what I look like. Over time my confidence increased. I may not be the healthiest person on the planet, but I am happy about who I am both mentally and physically. My weight is simply a number. It does not define who I am as a human being.
In 2017, I hit rock bottom. I ruined a great job opportunity and burned a lot of bridges. I made irrational decisions and basically blew all my money. Fast forward to the present-I have a great job, my own home, and I’m engaged to my beautiful fiance. What changed in three years? Instead of allowing my mental illness to control me, I learned how to take control of it. I discovered an amazing community of people through NAMI Fox Valley and learned from their experiences. We all struggle with our mental health at times, but always remember, we’re in this together.
