“Self-injury is a very personal subject and it is many things to many people”
I have lived a life full of nearly every variety of trauma- verbal, physical and sexual abuse. I have survived multiple suicide attempts, hospitalizations, several accounts of rape, drug addiction and an angry ex who almost killed me according the the ER doctor. Through all that, the one piece of my past that continues to haunt me is my struggle with self-injury.
My body is covered with thousands of scars, most are on my thighs, but a few scattered scars reside on my wrists, forearm, ankles, hips and legs. When people are confronted with my scars or the topic of self-injury in general, there is a common struggle to grasp the ‘why’. Why would anyone do this to themselves? Self-injury is a very personal subject and it is many things to many people.
I started cutting myself when I was 14 and my big secret is that I never really stopped. Over the past five years, I have relapsed a couple times so my primary goal is to create safer alternatives for when I am feeling that way. It’s been 20 years with this struggle and I know it will last the rest of my life.
The first time I ever watched someone cut themselves was my freshman year of high school and I thought to myself, he’s fucking crazy but I cant stop watching. I mostly dismissed it until later the same month when I was in a blind rage of anger and sadness. I remembered what I had seen and decided to try it out myself.
At first I really thought, well that was stupid. Then I was hit with an overwhelming sense of calm like an asthmatic who finally gets to an inhaler. From that day on, cutting took over my life. Bad grades? Too much love from people? Heartbreak? Cutting myself was my autopilot for it all. When life was too emotional, good or bad, I simply wanted to run away from it. I wanted to be numb to it all and for a while I was.
When the adults in my life found out what I had been doing, they tried to intervene in all the worst possible ways. The incessant, “How could you do this to ME?” from my mother only added more fuel to the addiction. Being hospitalized with kids who were struggling with much bigger problems than I was, opened my eyes to addiction, prostitution and a variety of other extreme problems I never would have known about. At 14, in a behavioral hospital in San Diego, I went to my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting.The one person in my life who made a difference was my friend’s mom, Emma. She looked at me with compassion and kindness. She didn’t look at me like a failure or fuckup or some kind of antidepressant chemistry experiment the way the doctors looked at me. When she looked at me, I felt like I was still human, even when I had lost all of my humanity. She grounded me by just caring about my feelings, making jokes, and treating me as ‘normal’ as possible. It was literally life-changing for me to have one person who didn’t make me feel guilty on top of the struggles I was already facing.
Nobody can force a person to stop hurting themselves. That motivation has to come from deep within. The only thing you can do as a bystander, is to show love and compassion and not make the situation about yourself. Taking sharp objects away only makes finding sharp objects a game. I know- I’ve played that game. I’ve cut myself while handcuffed inside a police station with a flaked off piece of table laminate. I’ve cut myself with a broken bobby pin inside a mental hospital. I can promise you that taking away sharp objects is a worthless endeavor. Embrace the fact that you are helpless and that you need to be available to help on their schedule, not your own. It’s not the responsibility of the self-harmer to take care of the way you feel about it. If you love them, it’s your job to let them know you are going to continue to love them no matter what. And that you will always be there when they need you.
As a kid, one source of motivation for me was finding out about celebrities who had struggled with self-injury like I had. I became somewhat obsessed with knowing there were very successful people who self-injured. A lot of people in my life thought I was going nowhere in life because of my mental health problems, but they were all wrong. I am a proud business owner, with a very successful career, and I help others to achieve the same.
Today, because of my responsibilities, my life is significantly more isolated than when I was younger. As a business owner, I strongly feel the expectation to be ‘OK’ 24/7 so I can be that metaphorical rock for my employees. As a mom, I feel like every failure is me letting down my three children. The need to HIDE my own failures is so strong because I have so much to lose. These are the reasons I have worked tirelessly to build a safety network that I can truly rely on, so that I am not truly isolated.
Some of the ways I have built up my network include creating a mental health slack channel within my company, where we call each other to talk through tough times. I have created a workplace environment where it is ok to fall apart. In 2017, I started a community group called Trailblazers with Anxiety, for people to vent to each other and be less isolated. I do allow myself to cry in front of my kids and, to an age appropriate level, they know I struggle with anxiety. I choose not to hide despite the desire to be ‘perfect’ for everyone. Reaching out for help can be difficult at first, but it does get easier and eventually you can hardly remember what life was like before you learned how to ask for help.
