“I was living the dream life in everyone else’s eyes, but inside I was a mess”
Just imagine…
You wake up in the morning. Birds are singing. You open your curtains and see miles of stunning picturesque views of green fields and tall trees. The country house I lived in with my beautiful wife is in the top 10% of homes in England. It took 23 years in sales, daily visualization, a fire in my belly, working 6 days a week, no binge-watching TV every night, no weekends drinking and a smart businesswoman of a wife.
I was living the dream life in everyone else’s eyes, but inside I was a mess. I never thought I could achieve my dream and be so miserable. After all, everyone believes they will be happy when they have money.
I was working day and night to pay the bills and an $850,000 mortgage that pushed me to the breaking point. In the midst of this turmoil, I decided to set up my own business (PS If you want to have less stress, never ever set up your own business).
In addition to all of these stressors, our daughter soon went to university and it was just me and my wife. Suddenly, there was a huge gap in our lives and no family nearby to support us. Unfortunately, after trying numerous date nights and a holiday, our 21 year marriage collapsed. Soon I became depressed at losing everything and could only see the glass half empty, quite often all empty.
I see so many people together for the sake of a mortgage and kids, that wasn’t going to be me- sitting in a restaurant, opposite my partner and not saying a word wishing I was somewhere else. So I filed for divorce. In Indian tradition, it’s better to be miserable and married, than divorced and happy. Divorce brings shame to an Indian family and families in many cultures. I deeply hurt my wife and in-laws. My parents were devastated. After 21 years of marriage, I felt a huge gap in my life. Everyone blamed me, like I was some freak. I found myself crying and had zero motivation, like I had lost a loved one. I joined dating agencies to cheer myself up, only to experience more rejection and disappointment from online dating- women who were married and “trying new things” or people with profiles 20 years younger than what they looked like (not my cup of tea).
I was trapped and there was no way out. My health got worse and I developed arthritis in my right knee, making me limp like an old man in public. Suicidal thoughts began. I didn’t realize how hard it is to commit suicide in England. You can’t buy a gun. Slitting your wrists or hanging yourself is only 25% successful. Jumping in front of a train traumatizes the driver. The most popular suicide spot is Beachy Head, in the South of England, and even they had people patrolling it to stop you from killing yourself. That didn’t stop me and I was put at risk of suicide by my doctor. Medical experts wanted to pump me full of antidepressants- there had to be a better way.
When I thought things couldn’t get any worse, the two people I considered my best friends, took my wife’s side and refused to speak to me. If you want to crush someone, make them believe they don’t matter and show them zero love.
Emotionally and financially I was destroyed. In the end, I gave up the beautiful country house for my health and freedom. I wanted to smile again.
So how did I get on the road to recovery?
1. Understand Self-Care- I joined a local walking group. Many of the women had been through horrors of cancer and bereavement. They taught me the importance of self-care. Buying treats for myself, having a weekly bath, turning off the phone for 24 hours, and ending the never-ending pressures I put on myself and my career.
2. Get Into Nature- I appreciate the beauty around me, but was always too busy to immerse myself in it. So I went for country walks every weekend. Smelling the fresh air. Seeing the visual beauty around me. Being in a state of gratitude.
3. Find a New Project- I started work on my 2nd book, “The Easy Guide to Sales for Business Owners”, and that gave me momentum. Find projects that inspire fire you up.
4. Give To Others- Since 2012, I’ve given 10% of my salary to charity, a lesson my father taught me. He was awarded a MBE at Buckingham Palace in 2014 from Prince Charles for his work as a doctor and his charity work. Since then, I have also helped local charities with their sales and marketing, advised on strategy, and became an ambassador- all for free. That which you give, you often get in return.
5. Smile at Strangers- When walking around the lake or woods, I smile and say hello to everyone I meet. Many people have no idea what to say, some mumble hello back. Many are pleasantly surprised and smile back. Smiling is good for your health.
I’m no longer at risk of suicide. I have my own place- it’s not a beautiful mansion and that’s okay. I play in my rock band every week, often raising money for charities when we perform live. Arthritis is still there (although I no longer limp) and my health and mindset has drastically improved over the years.
Sure, there’s times when I’m in a coffee shop and I cry reminiscing about the life I once had. Sunday mornings, waking up alone with no one to cuddle, takes its toll. As human beings, we have needs. When those needs are not met, we can go crazy. Dating in your late 40s, when you look like an Indian Shrek, is not pleasant.
Maybe it’s the numerous years of delivering sales training, but I won’t give up. I will persevere and know that, no matter how much I get rejected, I will find love again. Until then, I will continue to appreciate what I have and make small improvements every day.
My name is Niraj and I am Uncrushed.
Niraj Kapur
milton keynes, Bucks, england, uk