“Here are three tips to feel more empowered to help others when they’re in need without feeling like their problems are your own”
We all have friends, family or people in our lives that always have “something going on”. That particular phrase can take on a different meaning from situation to situation or from person to person. It’s our job, as loved ones, to be there for people in our lives when they need someone to help, offer advice, or even just to listen. We hear their problems and occasionally offer our perspective. What we often don’t realize (until it’s too late) is that these people are literally unloading their burdens on us when they come to us. Once in a while, we allow their issues to cloud our happiness and, for a brief moment in life, their problems become ours.
The feeling of pressure, anxiety, depression, or loneliness can sometimes creep into us and we feel pulled down. Like a physical weight is on top of us and we can’t muster the strength to get it off so that we can stand again. I get it, we all have to be there for the ones we love, but we can only shoulder the load for so long before it begins to impact our state of mind. Here are three tips to feel more empowered to help others when they’re in need without feeling like their problems are your own.
1. DETACH FROM THE PROBLEM ITSELF
There’s nothing tying you to the problem itself. Your job is to listen to your loved one and offer feedback only when needed. Some people are labeled as “fixers”. These fine folks take on the majority of the problem itself. You might be expressing something to a friend and suddenly they have all the answers for you. That person is a fixer. Sometimes, fixers feel a lot of stress and they’re anxious all the time because others have issues they bring to their table. The issues your friends and family bring to you are not your issues. They are theirs. We can’t always fix something. Most times that role belongs to the person with the problem.
2. ADMIT THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW
Many of us believe that we HAVE to have all the answers. Such thinking is absurd. No one knows everything and we all live underneath our own veil of ignorance. That means we only know what we’ve experienced or learned about first hand. It also means that everyone in our lives is living that same life of inexperience. Therefore, someone we love will inevitably have troubles and situations we have never experienced and, therefore, can’t offer solid advice on. What we can do is listen and be honest with them about our lack of knowledge on the subject. This relieves us from the pressure of trying to solve the problem for or with them.
3. REMOVE YOUR EMOTIONS FROM THE OUTCOME
Outcomes are attached to the owner of a problem in someone’s life. Sure, there may be some instances where someone else’s decision impacts us in some way, shape or form, but for the most part, they affect the individual that’s dealing with a specific situation. When we remove our emotional attachment from the outcome, we can see things much clearer. This might be the most difficult part of keeping other people’s pressures from derailing our much needed positive mindset. Our ability to master this skill, will keep us on track with our goal to achieve progress in whatever form we may see fit.
These three suggestions have helped me to separate myself from my loved one’s issues, problems, and life situations. They’ve allowed me to offer insights and an objective perspective to those around me that bring their “drama” into my life. We can’t avoid that. When we love others, they look to us for guidance, support, and advice. That’s a good thing. It’s part of life. Our gift for being there for them is what they all need in those moments. What matters is that we can be there, without allowing their problems to become our own and without feeling the pressures that they feel to achieve a certain outcome that they feel is ideal.
