“Accepting Anxiety and Depression in my life and the Actions I took to find my “why”
It’s true, I deal with anxiety and depression. It’s also true that I am an athlete, sales professional, and an active woman in the community. It’s common to seem “normal” and still have mental health issues because, for many, it was often dismissed or ignored.
Everyone has a day one on their healing journey. My day one started about 10 years ago.
For most of my life, I convinced myself that my suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and depressive episodes were not real. I was ashamed, so I spent years hiding it from friends and family. I did this because of the stereotypes I observed throughout my youth. I dismissed intrusive thoughts and trauma from my childhood because “others had it worse.” I replaced the intrusive thoughts with invalidating words like “just think positively, you’ll get over it, and that was your past, move on, you are fine.”
Deep down, I knew there was something wrong with me. However, I made the mistake of thinking it was just a “me” problem. A pattern emerged of burying anxiety, codependency, and depressive episodes with suicidal thoughts. I was stuck in this sick cycle for about a decade of my life. As much as I’d like to think I was a master at hiding this part of me, I was very terrible at it. It takes a brave person to acknowledge seeing a loved one suffering and I had a few that I am thankful for- one being my best friend, Al. She demonstrated great bravery when she addressed my up-and-down behavior. Despite my aggressive comments, actions, and snappy moments, she supported me in getting help several times over the course of many years.
I had many good times in life and I did some great convincing to most that I was fine during those times, especially after I picked up a love for running in 2012. Finding something I was good at was a great distraction to hide behind, but over the next five years running went from a positive behavior- “I get to run for my happiness and health” to a toxic behavior- “I have to run to be happy and stay skinny.” My motivation to exercise completely shifted. I developed a poor relationship with running and food, which led to an eating disorder and ultimately led to burnout. I did not speak about this for many years. Again, I had to be good at running because it was what defined me afterall. I felt detached from my loved ones and was miserable in my career, and then the one thing I thought I loved, running, let me down as well. I ultimately quit and I was heartbroken.
I knew I had to face my biggest fear and do something about the patterns I had created. There are many layers of what I did to be able to be that woman who has depression and anxiety, but is still seemingly successful.
It started with something very special. Accepting the parts of me I refused to acknowledge gave me confidence to find something I was passionate about that aligned with helping others.
I couldn’t think of anything aside from running to reignite passion within and thought maybe finding a reason to run I could find my way back into this world in a good way. It took a lot, I mean A LOT, of courage for me to start sharing my story openly. However, by doing it, it led me to “Hope Networks 1 in 5 Marathon Relay” race in 2019. This seemed like the perfect fit, but I was scared. I wanted to run again, but I had to find 4 other people to run with me on my team in less than two weeks. Do you know what kind of fear that created for a shy, quiet, and anxious girl? I didn’t just ask people to run though, I shared my “why” and asked them to support me and a greater outcome came from that: a team was formed and a new version of me crossed that finish line.
I had no idea my voice could hold that level of power, that my story mattered, or was relatable. I’ll never forget what it felt like to find my voice that day.
I knew there was something more for me to do with this, so I reached out to Hope Network to see how I could get more involved. They didn’t have an official place for me, but offered me to support the race in 2020 as an ambassador. I was thrilled and I asked their Director of Development Erik, if we could meet up and chat. As we sat down I shared with Erik the impact the race had on my life and my mental health journey. I hadn’t shared this with many at this point and was shakey throughout the entire conversation. I told him this is just the start for me, I have a lot more work to do, but it starts here. He listened with empathy and care and it created a space for him to share his story too. I couldn’t believe how open he was. So, I remember thinking, “I’m not the only person in this world like this, huh?”
Despite the ambassador position only being needed during race ramp up, I told him I’d help in any way I can to make their mission large and loud for the entire next year.
And so I did.
I took Hope Network to the top of a major mountain in Africa and shouted about them for an entire year. I represented Hope on World Mental Health Day in Utah for a personal initiative where my friend Kayla and I ran, biked, and hiked an obnoxious amount of miles and elevation to raise money. Despite the pandemic ruining the ability to gather in 2020, we still made magic happen and have created a life long partnership (they don’t have a choice, lol).
I will always struggle with anxiety and depression, but I don’t let it define me. I welcome my dear “friends” when they visit because they remind me I am human, but I also know they will leave. I give them a nice boot when they do and that gives me a lot of hope.
I have learned to face my fears and use running as the foundation to do so. I have rebuilt relationships, made new friends, pivoted my career into something I enjoy, and am learning every day how to care for my body through nutrition to support my active lifestyle. My social media platforms are used as a way to share my journey and spread awareness. There are many times I feel foolish after sharing a post, (damn you anxiety), but then there is always a sign that what I do matters and it helps others along the way. This has connected me with so many that have led me to beautiful conversations, which have led me here; to UNCrushed.
My day one was not pretty and it’s a journey that will never end, but on that day I promised to never give up on myself again. The journey is not always linear, but the consistency to show up for yourself at any capacity is brave and we all deserve to feel brave and seen in our lives. Go find your day one.